For a few evenings there, I had been tortured in my mind. Since recently deciding to take myself seriously as an artist, words and images come to me stronger and more quickly. My sensory passageways have widened and a specific event from the past surfaced and quickly flashed into a demented piece of work in my mind’s eye. I ponder creating it, but still feel the pain from that choice. Someday, when I have allowed myself forgiveness and acceptance, and release of my shame (as I have with many other things already), I can create that piece without it destroying me. Or could it be that if I create it, the process will help me to let it go?
It is an interesting thing that is happening to me; yet another transformation I feel, and this time with my visual arts. The old psyche fights against the new, wanting to keep its hard grip, its doubts and negativity, not wanting to lose its place. But I have learned to be persistent these recent years and know how to massage the new into myself; giving the new time and love to develop its legs while also caring for the old so it can finally go at peace. The process is filled with dangers, often leaving me battle-wearied. But I find that when I decide that I want to, I persevere and flourish.
At times I go too fast, too far and find myself where I am not yet strong enough to be, and fears of past and future come about. When this happens, I have to remind myself to just breathe and live in the present moment. I purposefully open my eyes to see more, make my ears big to hear, and unravel my skin to catch all of the feelings around me. I had decided to take this stance this morning and was rewarded with a surprise find of this beautiful dragonfly in front of my work. I relished in the wonder of the reward of immediate connection with the energies of the universe which gives me a peace in my mind and a tingling of excitement at all of the possibilities!
Author’s Note: I had chosen this photograph to go with this article because I saw this huge, beautiful dragonfly just outside my building at work that morning. Had I not been paying attention, I would have completely missed its visit.