The Beginning of My Life

Death by suicide is a terrible thing. What is worse? Life by depression.

Suicide does not happen suddenly. The death does, just like any other final breath taken. In an instant, the life you have here is gone. With our kung-fu school beach party coming up on Saturday and Robin Williams’ suspected suicide, I am reminded of where I was during our beach party a year ago.

Depressed and somber, I engaged minimally beyond what I felt was required. I was “present” and accounted for, but my spirit a million miles away. I had this consistent throb of pain in my chest, tears constantly at the ready and freely flowing when nobody looked.

I lived in this state for a couple of months. Progressively going deeper and deeper, contemplating life, death, and eventually suicide. I had initially brushed that thought aside as I had in past years, but each time it presented itself, the pull grew stronger and stronger, and the pain of life seemed to get worse. My body was heavy, my spirit dark. I even contemplated homelessness and allowing myself to go crazy instead of just killing myself.

One day I was driving home and my mind raced with these thoughts and my heart hurt intensely. The temptations flew around in my mind as tears continuously streamed down my face, and the darkest vision popped into my head again. I got scared and violently angry at this thing that tempted me and I screamed “Nooooo!!!” loudly in my head until the word finally came out of my mouth.

That was the beginning of my life.


4 thoughts on “The Beginning of My Life

  1. Thank you for this powerful and timely post-well said as always. Agree with you about each of our paths being our own. While it is immensely helpful to share thoughts/feelings with someone who has “been there” we ultimately need to choose (and act) on our own in dealing with depression.

    I was not at last year’s beach party, but I know last summer was a really difficult time for you emotionally. I do recall seeing you at school on a couple of occasions, and feeling a bit shaken by the haunted, distant look in your eye.

    I did not know how dark things had gotten for you. Grateful that you chose life and are here sharing with us all now.

    Sent from my mobile phone-please pardon the brevity


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