The Death of My Mother

Thursday, February 26, 2015 2:12 pm

“Of all my accomplishments these recent years with physical, emotional, and spiritual development, the one I’m most proud of is my significantly increased and improved love life… with myself 🙂 ”

Friday, February 27, 2015 4:55 am

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“My ‘happy’ and drunk mother called me last night (I didn’t take the call). Made the rounds to at least two people first to get my number and wondered why the fuck I hadn’t called her in two years. While I had made the conscious decision to cut off ties and don’t regret it one bit, it still affected me. Friends, let’s be aware of ourselves and not pass down harm done to us. It really does have long-lasting effects. Live in love instead. Please.”

Friday, February 27, 2015 7:46 am

“I broke up with my dysfunctional mother this morning…

Ever since she called and left me messages last night, I have been playing out our anticipated conversations in my mind, wondered if/when she would get better and if I could help, what psychological abuse I would have to brace myself for, and why someone would choose to be blind and choose to continue to hurt her children.

Halfway through my emotionally-challenging workout this morning, I made the decision to end our relationship, called her, and left her the message kindly saying I couldn’t have her in my life until she learned (if ever) to love herself. I hung up and walked away from her dysfunction.

I am motherless. And try as I might not to be, I am shaken and it hurts.”

Sunday, March 1, 2015 2:28 pm

Coronado Bridge

“The view from my car of Coronado Bridge is reflective of what hit me as I ascended it this afternoon. A beautiful and bitter downpour of tears as I was overwhelmed with the question of what to do with my love for my mother who I have chosen to not have in my life. This grieving/growing process I already feel is not like the other times I have experienced a loved one’s death. No, this is different. But I have no solid words exactly to describe yet what is happening to me. I am advised to embrace it and let it help me to grow stronger. So I sit and I cry and I feel this terrible, terrible thing that seems intent on ripping out parts of myself; parts of another being called mother.”

———————–

The above are my Facebook posts this week. The first one is indicative of the self-love I have grown and developed these recent years. How little did I know at that moment I would lean on it just a mere few hours later when my mother called me and left me voice messages. About six months after my step-dad passed away two-and-a-half years ago, I had decided to not contact her anymore. Her behavior during that final week of his life while he was in hospice was so disturbing to me and I never recovered from it. Over the next six months, I let that experience sink into me and finally accepted she would never change.

Two years later, she contacts me for the first time. I had never actually told her of my decision to cut off ties until I left the message two days ago. Taking this step is having a tumultuous effect on me and I feel as though there has been a death in my life. I am having flashbacks of my life and can see very clearly how she has affected it in many traumatic and dysfunctional ways. Much of who I am, good and bad, is because of her terrible behavior.

I honestly don’t know what will become of me now. I feel a great sadness and pain for a loss I have chosen, and am left dazed, confused, and somewhat lost. I am trying to not fight with the emotions or to force things to make sense. I suspect I will become a much stronger person because of this. But first, I must sit and be with the darkness of the situation.

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4 thoughts on “The Death of My Mother

  1. (((hug))) No easy answers, because this surely is no easy thing. If there’s anything I can do for you please let me know.

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